With the emergence of social media, we’ve got used to seeing new mothers sharing their pregnancy and childbirth story and making it look effortless. Well, it isn’t. An Australian mother has penned her account of the reality of childbirth and it’s enough to scare any woman.
Tina Pik, a travel writer titled her very candid post “The truth about labour and childbirth uncut”. She said her story is likely to serve as the most efficient contraceptive that will keep women from getting pregnant.
She wrote: “I think this one may be the mother of all contraceptive methods…Not sure what to expect during childbirth and labour? I got you covered.”
Writing of the first time a woman will use the toilet after child birth, the mother-of-two said:
“Alright, no one told me that going for your first number two after you’ve just had a baby is comparable to trying to push Ayers Rock out of your rectals. It’s like giving birth for the second – or third time. After the placenta. Out of your bumhole. Midwives are going to cheer you on while you hesitantly proceed to the hospital bathroom in unimaginable fear. Not only are you fearing for your life, but you hold the gravest of concerns for the health and safety of your rear-end orifice.”
She also disclosed that new mothers feel an itch in their midsection as the womb is in the process of healing. Unfortunately, it cannot be scratched.
“Ever had an itch that you just couldn’t scratch because it came from deep within your skin, or you’re scratching away but just can’t seem to hit the spot? Lawd almighty, the postpartum itch was the worst I had ever experienced in my life. And it came from my body’s core. I was damn near ready to stick a back scratcher up my tampon tunnel just so that I could give my healing uterus the scratch of a lifetime.”
She continued to write about the bleeding that occurs for weeks after birth.
“Any surface you sit on will look like a murder scene. The floor, the bed or couch, and pretty much any surface you grace your bottom with, will wind up looking like the scene of a heinous crime,” Ms Pik wrote.
“That burgundy waterfall pouring out of your f**** cannot be contained. I repeat, CANNOT be contained. By anything. Not even the Hoover Dam.”
She also revealed how the experience changes the vagina, writing: “You never thought you would ever shove an ice pack down there, did you? I even considered booking a ticket to Antarctica, just so I could go sit and soothe my woman bits on never-ending shelves of ice. Or dip my behind into the bitterly cold waters so I could numb me bum.”
Still on the vagina and how it changes, she advised mothers-to-be, saying: “Don’t cough, sneeze, or blow your nose. Because that’s not going to end well for your undies. No one told me about pelvic floor exercises and the tragic fact that after childbirth, you will need to do these for the rest of your life. No one told me about prolapse and the fact that your bowels can collapse into your vagina and make that area its new ‘hood’. So, remember to do your exercises, and if you must cough, sneeze or blow your nose – cross your legs. Tight.”
Writing on labour pains and what it feels like, she said:
“So what does labour feel like? Imagine your vag is getting struck by lightning. Over and over again. Then, Bruce Li walks over and proceeds to pummel you in the abdomen with his fists of fury. Whilst, simultaneously, Conor McGregor appears out of thin air and decides to Muay Thai kick you in the back.
“Except you can’t tap out. All the while, a furious and unstoppable desire to take the biggest and most epic dump of your life engulfs you. That is what labour feels like. So, take the epidural.”